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The One with the Cold Sore/Script
and Jude are sitting by the Big Squeeze. Wyatt and Jen walk up. Wyatt: "Hey. You guys hear they're shooting a movie in the mall?" Jude: "Cool." Jen: "Yeah, they're shooting at the Penalty Box and holding auditions for extras at Grind Me!" walks by, covering her lips. "Hey Caitlin, you hear the news?" doesn't respond. "Caitlin?" heaves the Big Squeeze open and starts to get out her equipment without moving her lip hand. Nikki: "Caitlin, what's up?" Caitlin: "Oh, I just feel a yawn coming on, and I want to be ready." Jen: "Caitlin, move your hand." moves her hand, revealing a cold sore on her lower lip. Caitlin: "I have a lip thingy!" begins to cry. Wyatt: "It's just a cold sore." Caitlin: "It's a lip thingy!" Jude: closely "Could be a lip zit. I once had a zit on my back that had a life of its own. One morning it was gone, and so was a pair of my shoes." Caitlin: "It's not a cold sore. And it's not a lip zit! It's a lip thingy!" Nikki: "Don't you get those from kissing?" Caitlin: "I got it from a boy, okay? But I'm not saying who. Ugh! I've had it with guys. I'm done with them. I really thought he was The One." begins crying again. Wyatt: "He was The One. The One who gave you a cold sore." Caitlin: "Lip thingy!!!" ---- The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is '''The One With the Cold Sore' ---- ''is serving a nerdy customer. Jude: "I don't know for sure that the zit took my shoes, but it's pretty weird, dudes." Jonesy: up "Hey Caitlin, you got a lip thingy." Caitlin: "See? Lip thingy. Thank you, Jonesy." Jonesy: "Yeah. Right. So anyway, big news!" Nikki: "Yeah, they're shooting a movie." Jen: "And they're auditioning at Grind Me." Nikki: "Are you gonna audition?" Jonesy: "Of course! I was born for this! I'm going to be a star! Anyone else want to try out?" Caitlin: "I'd love to! But I'm gonna need some industrial strength cover-up first." Wyatt, and Jude get up. Jen: "I need a coffee." Wyatt: "I need java." Jude: "I'm craving Nice Cinnabuns." Nikki: up "Let's go." Jonesy: "If you're coming for moral support, I don't need it." Nikki: "I'm coming to watch you make a fool of yourself." Jonesy: "That's not very supportive." ---- is a line stretching out the door of the coffeehouse barricaded by a red velvet rope. Darth: the friends "Ron and I are movie set security. If you're here to audition, move to the back of the line." and Caitlin sigh and head to the back of the line. Jen, Wyatt, and Nikki go on ahead. Ron Hughes: the phone "Lindsay what? Checked into a hospital for exhaustion? SHE'LL NEVER WORK IN THIS TOWN AGAIN!" calmly "Tell her to call me, I have the perfect part for her in an upcoming project." his assistant "We need to fill the Natalie role." Kirsten "Any acting experience?" Kirsten: "I played Goldilocks in the fourth grade!" poorly "This porridge is too hot." Kristen: "Omigosh! That was so good! I could like, smell the porridge!" Kirsten: "Don't. That's way too many calories." Kristen: "Can you smell calories, or do you have to eat them?" Kirsten: "Don't be silly. Anything you can smell you can eat." Kristen: "Oh no! Am I fatter?" Ron Hughes: "Non-speaking parts only. Next!" the counter, Jen, Wyatt, and Nikki have received their drinks. Jen takes a sip. Jen: "Owga! Hop coppy! Burned my lips!" lips swell up. Wyatt: "Burned her lips. Rookie mistake." blows on his coffee and then takes a sip. Jen: "I'm late. See you guys later!" walks forward and trips over a wire just as behind her, the director's assistant puts a fan down and turns it on. When Jen looks back at the fan, her cheeks are rosy, her lips are large, and her hair is blowing in the wind. Ron Hughes: "Full lips, rosy cheeks, flowing hair like a young Jessica Alba! Can we get Jessica Alba, no, okay. You're going to be a huge star!" Jen: "Be? A huche star?" Ron Hughes: "Ooh, trouble with the English language, but that is so hot in Hollywood these days!" quietly "We've got our Lindsay replacement." hands with Jen "Ron Hughes, director! You've just landed yourself a supporting role!" Jen: "Okay!" Caitlin: up "Wait! What about me?" Ron Hughes: "Cute. Shame about the cold sore." Caitlin: away disappointed "Lip thingy." Jonesy: "Dude, glad you dig my stepsister, but you're going to love me." Ron Hughes: "No thanks. Next!" Jonesy: "But–" Ron Hughes: "NEXT!" and Darth leap in to drag Jonesy away. Wyatt: "Hey Jonesy. Do you want–" Ron Hughes: "You've got a part!" Jonesy: "What?" Wyatt: "Me? Really?" walks up. Ron Hughes: "You're in too." Jonesy: "Oh come on!" Nikki: "I would say no, but..." Darth: Jonesy "So long, Solo." and Ron escort Jonesy out. Nikki: "...this is way too much fun." Jonesy: "Let go of me you little–ow!" ---- who got into the movie are looking over the script. Nikki: "Wow. You got nine lines." Caitlin: "You're gonna be a star, Jen!" Jonesy: "Nine lines won't make you a star." and Kirsten run up giggling. Kristen: "Hi Jen. Congrats on being...famous." Kirsten: "Yeah, totally. Like, hi. We just wanted to say that. Hi." Jen: "Hi?" Kristen and Kirsten: "She said hi to us! EEEE!" walk away. Wyatt: Jonesy "You were saying?" Jen: "That hot coffee burned my throat. I need to get some lozenges." Caitlin: "You can't run your own errands, Jen! You're an actress! You should get an assistant! Jonesy can do it." glowers at her. "You'd get to be on set." continues glowering. "It's the perfect way to get noticed!" Jonesy: "Hey, yeah! What do you say, Jen?" Jen: "Uh, okay. But screw up, Jonesy, and you're fired!" Jonesy: "Story of my life." Jen: "So can you get me some lozenges and meet me on set?" Jonesy: "You know it." Jen: happy "I've got a wardrobe fitting! EEE!" walks off, Jonesy in tow. Wyatt: off "We should check in with the extras." Nikki: Caitlin "See you later." Caitlin: unhappy "Yeah, bye." is alone at work. Jude skates up to the Big Squeeze. Jude: "Still bummed about your lip zit?" nods. "As someone once said, don't let a zit get you down, bra." Caitlin: "Who said that?" Jude: "Well I did. Just now." Caitlin: "Maybe I need some retail therapy." closes the Big Squeeze. Jude: "I'm gonna cheer you up, Jude style!" leads Caitlin away. ---- walks into the Penalty Box with the lozenges and cheers up the instant he sees the movie set. He goes over to Jen and shakes the lozenges. Jen: "Oh, thanks, Jonesy. I'm going into wardrobe, so uh, take a break." Jonesy: "Gee, thanks." Wyatt: across the corridor "Hey, there's Caitlin." is holding the hand of someone obscured by a display. "She's–with someone." grins at the guy she's with. Nikki: "I thought she swore off guys. Well that lasted a whole half hour." three friends quit paying attention just as Jude yanks Caitlin away. Caitlin: "Jude! Huntington's is having a sale! Where are we going?" Jude: "You'll see, bra." ---- Jen comes out of wardrobe, everyone gasps. She looks like a movie queen. Ron: "Gah!" Coach Halder: "Masterson! You look like a badminton player crammed into a peewee uniform! Drop and give me twenty!" Jen: "But Coach!" sighs and bends over, exposing herself for a panty shot. Coach Halder: "Ggh–erm–bad idea. Let's find the rest of your uniform." holds out a hockey jersey. Ron Hughes: Jen away "Tell your bodyguard to clear set. Alright, let's get ready to roll!" Coach Halder: "Bodyguard? Oh-ah-em-erm, alright, I can do that. Hey you! Nondescript male! Eyes down! Five-minute foul for major misconduct!" guy he's barking at walks over to the penalty box. ---- hands are over Caitlin's eyes. Jude: "We're at my favorite store, dudette!" giggles. Jude removes his hands, and she gasps. Caitlin: "The Cheapo Bin? Jude, the dollar store has nothing for someone like me." gently guides Caitlin inside. A short time later, she has found a lot of stuff she likes. Caitlin: "Look at all the stuff I got for six bucks! A porcelain rooster, an ice cube tray, whatever this thing is, a DVD of a show I've never even heard of? Who knew spending so little money on stuff you don't need could be so fun! What'd you get?" Jude: "A ghost costume and a rubber band." draws back the rubber band and shoots it. Stuart Goldstein: hit "What the?!?" Caitlin: "But it's not Halloween." Jude: "They have them here all year except Halloween! You ready for more Jude therapy?" Caitlin: "Soon as I drop off my bags!" ---- is having her makeup reapplied. Jen: "Jonesy, could you get me a lemon whip?" Jonesy: "Fine, whatever." Wyatt: outside "There's Caitlin again." is walking with a guy in a ghost costume. Jen: "Who's the ghost?" Nikki: "Caitlin's new man." Jen: "I thought she swore off guys." Caitlin: her friends "Hi guys!" and the ghost wave. Wyatt: back "Whomever he is, Caitlin seems a lot happier than she was this morning." ---- is waiting by the Big Squeeze when Caitlin comes in to drop off her bags. Jude is with her, costume under his arm. Jonesy: "Superstar wants a lemon whip. And one for me while you're at it." Caitlin: the drinks "So how's it going over there?" Jonesy: "Being an assistant stinks! And that director has no eye for talent." takes the drinks. "Thanks." Caitlin: "Seeya!" Jonesy: "Later." Caitlin: "Where to next, Jude?" ---- is talking with an actor. Phoenix: "Move to L.A. Mountains, sunshine, plastic surgery for pets..." Jen: "Sounds amazing. I'd love to." hands her a drink. "Oh, Phoenix, this is my assistant, Jonesy." takes a sip. "Hwaah! This is way too bitter!" Jonesy: "Don't look at me! Caitlin made it." Phoenix: "Whoa! Don't let your assistant talk to you like that." Jonesy: "Actually, I'm her step–" Jen: interrupting "My uh, stepping stone to a better assistant who doesn't talk so much!" over her drink "I want it sweeter, and uh, get it right this time!" Phoenix: "Good help is so hard to find." Jen: "Tell me about it." ---- and Jude are on the Vomit Comet, waiting for it to start. Caitlin: "I don't know, Jude. This thing makes me puke." Jude: "Today is about running through hurdles, bra!" Caitlin: "I thought you were supposed to jump over hurdles." Jude: "Over, through, under, whatever it takes to get past them! Fear is nothing to be afraid of unless you let it scare you, dudette!" rollercoaster starts. Caitlin's phone rings, and she answers. Caitlin: panting "Nikki?" Nikki: "Hey. Whatcha doin'?" Caitlin: panting "I can't hear you!" Nikki: louder "So how's the no-boys thing going?" sees the drop up ahead and gasps. Caitlin: Jude "I'm so nervous. I don't want to go too fast. Eenh. Eeeennh. AAAH!" Nikki: "Caitlin? You there?" rollercoaster is doing loops and twirls. Caitlin: "EEEENH! AAAAHH!" Wyatt: "Is she still crying about her cold sore?" Caitlin: "WEEENH! EEEEEE!" panting "AAAAAAHHH! WOO! AAAAH! OOOOH! AAAAH!" Nikki: "Uh, I don't think Caitlin's crying." Caitlin: "UNH! OOH!" laughs. "WOOHOO! YEAH! WHEE!" coaster slows to a stop at the start of the ride. "Oops." exhilarated "Oh my gosh, that was amazing! Let's do it again!" Wyatt: "What was that?" and Nikki stare straight ahead, shocked. Ron Hughes: "Okay, people! In this scene, you've just learned that spring break has been cancelled! So look shocked!" Wyatt and Nikki "Oh! Love it! Everyone copy these two. And...action!" ---- walks up to the stand with the drink. The stand is open, but Caitlin is nowhere around. Jonesy: "Caitlin? Great. Now I have to make their drinks myself." enters the stand and starts working. Three pre-teen girls arrive at the store. Pre-Teen Girl #1: "Three lemon whips, please." Jonesy: "Hey! I don't work here! I'm just trying to fix a drink for Jen Masterson, superstar! Because this one was too bitter!" Pre-Teen Girl #1: shocked "Jen Masterson drank from that cup? I'll give you ten bucks for it!" Jonesy: "You can't be serious." Pre-Teen Girl #1: "Fifteen! Twenty's all I got!" Jonesy: "Sold!" girls take the cup and squeal. "Spread the word! I've got tons of Jen Masterson stuff!" himself "When opportunity knocks, make sweet sweet lemonade." ---- Ron Hughes: "And...cut! That's a wrap for the day, people! Helen, can you give me a B-shot before I-plots?" Nikki: Wyatt "So, it sounds like Caitlin's falling fast for this new guy." Jen: Phoenix "I definitely think my next project will be more of an indie. Those are the films that win all the awards." Phoenix: "That's what I keep telling my agent!" Jen: "Ugh, agents! Don't get me started!" walk away. Wyatt: "Wow. Jen's really getting into this acting thing." bunch of screaming fans are outside the Penalty Box, held back by Darth. Jen: aback "Um, hi." Coach Halder: "You, out of the way! You, out of the way!" to his stars "Okay, Toby Crashed! Follow me into the end zone, Masterson!" through the crowd "Out of the way! Out of the way! Out of the way!" Wyatt: "Whoa. I guess Jen really is a star." Nikki: "All the world's a stage, and we're just extras." ---- and Caitlin come back to the Big Squeeze. Caitlin is snacking on a snow cone. Caitlin: "Why do they call–" a nip "–the blue one raspberry? It should be blueberry." takes another nip, and Jude takes a nip as well. Jude: "Definitely raspberry. Gotta pee, be right back." walks away. Nikki: on Caitlin with Wyatt "Look at her! Messy hair, smeared makeup? She's been making out." Wyatt: someone approach "Is this our mystery man?" Nikki: "No, just Jude." Caitlin: "Thanks so much for today, Jude. I'm having the best time." plants a kiss on his cheek. Jude: "Me too, dudette. Plenty more where that came from. Let's bounce!" and Caitlin walk away while Wyatt and Nikki just stare, shocked. Nikki: "Could Caitlin's new guy be–" Nikki and Wyatt: "Jude?" ---- is inside the Big Squeeze, mixing up a drink. Wyatt: "Hey. Have you been here all night?" Jonesy: "Since six A.M.! And that's after Jen made me do her laundry last night so she could 'part-ay' with Phoenix and the other 'act-tours.'" exits the stand carrying a garbage bag. Wyatt: "What's in the bag?" Jonesy: "Jen's stuff. Clothes, toothbrush, a few baby pictures. You won't believe what people are willing to pay for this stuff now that she's famous. Gotta go. Her majesty awaits." leaves. Nikki: "You know, if Caitlin and Jude were dating, they'd tell us." Wyatt: "You're right. It was just a kiss on the cheek." and Jude walk up. Caitlin: "Hi guys." Jude: "Hey dudes." sets his ghost costume on the table, and Nikki and Wyatt gasp. Jude has a cold sore. Nikki: out "Hey Jude, is that a cold sore?" Jude: "A lip zit. I ate too much junk food at the amusement park yesterday." Wyatt: Caitlin "You seem happier today." Caitlin: "Yeah, I guess I am." Nikki: "Could it have something to do with a certain...guy?" Jonesy: "Has anyone seen one of Jen's pink socks?" Wyatt: "No. Why?" Jonesy: "I've got a buyer for the pair, but I can only find one in the bag. I must have dropped it." rushes off to find it. Nikki: "So Caitlin–" stops. Caitlin and Jude have disappeared. "–and she's gone." ---- is guarded by Coach Halder and Jonesy while inside the Penalty Box. She hands Jonesy a clipboard. Jen: "Here's a schedule and a list of things to do. I don't pay you to stand around, Jonesy!" Jonesy: "You don't pay me at all! In fact–" stops when he sees the director walking by. "I am a professional who aspires to exceed my employer's expectations. I'll memorize this list and be ready when you call me to action." drives up in his cart, and Coach Halder and Jen get in. He drives off. Kristen: the cart goes by "Jen I love you! Jen I love you!" Jonesy: soon as Jen's gone "Any of you girls interested in buying an official pair of Jen Masterson socks?" girls swarm Jonesy. ---- and Nikki are walking through the mall. Wyatt: "Ah, If Jude and Caitlin are dating, it's gonna change things! First you and Jonesy, now Caitlin and Jude–aw, that leaves me and Jen!" drives by with Jen. Nikki: "Can you see them together? I mean, Caitlin shops for sport! And–" Wyatt: "Jude throws wet toilet paper at the ceiling in the loathsome washrooms!" Nikki: "See? That is so not Caitlin." ---- the washrooms, Jude is teaching Caitlin the art of the wet toilet paper toss. Jude: "You're up. Focus...stay on target." tosses it up, and it sticks. "Sweet! Our work here is done." Caitlin: giggling "So where to next?" and Caitlin have made a smiley face on the ceiling. ---- where to next is the pet store. Caitlin: a bunny "I never knew you played with animals, Jude. That's so nice." Jude: "The rabbit thinks so." ---- and Wyatt are inside the Penalty Box. Wyatt: "Even if they are dating, I'm sure they're taking it slow." Caitlin: "Hey guys! Look at our baby bunny! Isn't he sweet?" the bunny "Okay, come with Mummy and Daddy." Nikki: "Mommy and Daddy?" Wyatt: "We'd better tell Jen and Jonesy." ---- is a line by the fountain to get autographs from the cast. Little Girl: out one of Jen's baby pictures "Would you sign this for me?" Jen: shocked "Where did you get this?!?" Jonesy: "Uh-oh." bolts. Jen's phone rings. Jen: "Hello?" Nikki: "Jen?" Jen: "Nikki?" Nikki: "We've gotta talk. We think Jude and Caitlin are dating." Jen: "What? Come to the fountain, I'm sighing autographs." hangs up. Wyatt: "Signing autographs?" Nikki: "Well, la-di-dah." ---- and Nikki come to the back of the long line for autographs. When they see how long it is, they cut to the front. Darth: them "Back of the line, stargazers." Wyatt: "We're not fans, we're friends!" points to the back of the line, and the two head there. A while later, they're finally at the front, only for the autograph session to be over and Ron to have driven off with Jen. Darth: "Time's up. Autograph session's over." Nikki: "Oh, where's she going now?" calls Jen. Jonesy: answering "Jen Masterson's phone." has people thrusting money at him. Nikki: "Jonesy? Why do you have Jen's phone?" Jonesy: "'Cause some actor told Jen that cell phones cause brain tumors, and Jen said better me than her." a fan "30 bucks for the yearbook, there's good stuff in there." Nikki: "We think Jude and Caitlin are dating." Jonesy: "No way! Twenty for the pillowcase, drool and all." Nikki: "We gotta talk. Where'd she go?" Jonesy: "Khaki Barn. Meet you there in five." ---- is using the changing rooms at the Khaki Barn. Kirsten: "Come out, and we'll tell you how super-hot you look, no matter what." Jen: "I love having this store to myself. Being a celebrity shopper rocks!" and Wyatt walk up. Kirsten: "Uh, the store's closed, Nikki. We have a celebrity shopper?" Nikki: "Uh, I work here, Kirsten, and that celebrity shopper is my best friend." Jen: "Nikki?" Wyatt: "Jen! We think Jude and Caitlin are dating!" Jen: "What?!?" throws the door open, not remembering she's in her underwear. The Clones: "Whoa." Jonesy: "Seen it." Coach Halder: "AAH! Female undergarments! Oh my god!" Jen: the door "Oops. Sorry. Are you sure?" Wyatt: "Jude's got a cold sore! We saw them kiss!" Nikki: the same time as Wyatt "They've got a rabbit! Jude's the one in the ghost costume!" Jen: the changing room "Okay, okay. What do we do?" Jonesy: "Um, nothing? It isn't really up to us." Nikki: "I can't believe that I'm saying this, but I think Jonesy's right." Jen: "Do they know that we know?" Nikki: "Uh-uh." Jen: "Then we'd better tell them." ---- and Caitlin are sampling ice creams. Jude: "Mmm. Quite nice, ice cream girl." Caitlin: "Hmm, I don't know. I think we should try the mint chocolate chip." Vendor Girl: "Are you going to buy any ice cream or not?" Jude: "Uh, no thanks." Caitlin: "We're full." leave the store. ---- and Jen are making out inside the Penalty Box. Ron Hughes: "And cut! That's a wrap. Break set. Love your work, people." Jen: "Phoenix, if I move to L.A., do you th–" Phoenix: "Great working with you, later." walks away. Jen: "That's it? Later?" sighs and walks away. She comes across some pre-teen girls wearing her clothes. "Hey, that's my shirt! And my hat!" Pre-Teen Girl #2: "They're ours, we bought them!" Jen: "From who?" point at Jonesy. "JONESY!" Jonesy: "What you want now?" Jen: "Alright, who bought stuff from this scammer?" hands go up "I want it back right now!" little boy walks up to her. "Whatever it is, hand it over." spits out a retainer into her hand. "Ew! My retainer?" Jonesy: "You don't need it anymore. Your teeth look great." Jen: "You are the lowest, dirtiest–" Jonesy: "Oh, come on! You've been a total diva for the last two days! You've yelled at me for everything I've done wrong, and not once thanked me for a thing I've done right. Putting on a show for your Hollywood friends. You may be in a movie, but when you get home, you'll find you have no socks!" Ron Hughes: "Wow, great monologue. Real drama. You really should have auditioned for the movie, you totally would have gotten a part." slumps as the director walks away. ---- and Jude are lying on a blanket by the fountain. Caitlin: "Ugh, all that ice cream made me feel sick." Jude: "Yeah, but at least it made you sick for free." farts. "Sorry. Dairy makes me gassy." lets out two more toots. Caitlin: laughing "Jude, stop it!" farts. "Oops. Pistachio makes me gassy too." and Jude have a laughing, stinky fart party. Nikki: "Hey." four friends have arrived. Caitlin: "Oh, I guess the movie shoot's over. Hi guys!" Nikki: "Hey...we just want to tell you that we know what's going on here." and Caitlin sniff the air. Jude: "Is it bad?" Caitlin: "Sorry." Wyatt: "It's not bad at all. Whatever you guys need to do is cool with us." Jen: "Totally. Jonesy and I heard too." Caitlin: "All the way over at the Penalty Box?" Nikki: "It's been kinda hard to miss." Jude: a whiff "Whoa, dudes. I must be lactose intolerant." Wyatt: "We want you to know that we're here to listen. Whenever you're ready." and Jude look at each other. Jude: "If you say so!" and Caitlin break into their fart party again. Jen: "Eww!" Nikki: sarcastic "That went well." ---- friends are gathered around the usual table. Caitlin: "I can't believe you guys thought Jude and I were dating." Jude: "For shame, dudes." Caitlin: "I was taking a break from boys. Though I had a date last night, and I'm seeing him again today. EEEE!" Wyatt: "I guess we had it all wrong." Jen: "I had it all wrong too. Sorry I got so bossy." laughs nervously. "Boy, is fame fickle." Jonesy: Jen some money "Sorry about your stuff. Here. Treat yourself to some new socks." Jock: up to the table "Uh, Caitlin? I'm gonna have to cancel our date tonight." teenager reveals he has a cold sore on his lip before running off. Caitlin: "Too bad. I really thought he was The One." Wyatt: "He was The One. The One you gave a cold sore t–" Caitlin: "Lip thingy!" Category:Season 3